When I’m ass deep behind enemy lines….I’m talking so far into the bad guys territory that the only way to prevent myself from taking a high velocity round to the face is by growing a stupendous beard through sheer force of will…when I’m in that much trouble, and the A-Team nor Chuck Norris are anywhere around…then I would appreciate some kind of headup display informing me of what’s coming up, what I can expect to see in the next 25 minutes or so.

It could save my life.

The next time I’m performing extremely risky surgery in perilously unsanitary conditions, like maybe I’m cutting out someone’s gangrenous, bloated spleen whilst on a BMIBaby flight to Crete and have only a pocket knife, some tiny bottles of vodka and a badly tan lined assistant called Kirsty with which to perform, and maybe the planes spewing flames from both engines and the pilot’s had an epileptic seizure of some kind…..then, an announcement as to what the next few minutes have in store for me would be pretty damn handy. No matter how huge a display it was,provided it helped me get through the operation without turning my patient into a corpse, I’ll take it.

It could save someone else’s life.

And, say I was caught in a high speed police pursuit, with the authorities gaining on me with every half mile I thrash my car up the motorway, after I’ve pulled off one of the most daring, yet artistic and awe inspiring bank job in the history of crime, and it’s starting to get dark outside and the fog is beginning to creep in around the edges making the road seem blurry and unfinished. And maybe I didn’t sleep the night before thanks to all the adrenaline coursing through my body as the anticipation of the upcoming heist gains momentum, and now I’m getting sleepy, my drooping eyelids causing the car to fishtail wildly across several lanes of the M25….then, some form of projection, maybe directly onto my windscreen, would be no end of help in aiding my escape, especially if it could inform me of what delights I could expect to see whizz passed me at 130mph.

It could save my life and make me a lot of money.

But, do you know when I don’t need a presentation on what to look forward to in the next 25minutes? Do you know the least helpful time to show me what’s coming up in my future?


Why, why, why, would I need to know that America’s Next Top Model is coming on when I’m watching Fringe? Or that The Apprentice is only 20 minutes away when I’m about to find out who the murderer is on Castle? No God fearing, sane person on the planet gives 3 licks of shit about either of those shows, which is why I was watching good TV.

And, why do these banner presentation have to be so big? Are TV execs worried that if they don’t obscure half of the screen, and obliterate any chance of seeing the vital piece of evidence that will crack the case wide open, then I won’t notice the eye-bleedingly pink words crawl across my screen informing me that Americas Biggest Loser is only moments away?

Just fuck off and let me watch TV.