OK now, come on now, enough’s enough. You’ve had your bit of fun now toddle off and start taking things a little more seriously.

Seriously guys, what do you think you’re achieving? Hmm? What, precisely do you imagine that you look like?

I mean, come on! I get that you think you need to prove your masculinity; demonstrate to the world (and, no doubt, your constantly disapproving parents who just don’t ‘get you’) that you’re your own man and can wear what you want and can do what you want with your hair…..

….but fuck.

Look, I’m no fashion guru (thank fuck). I couldn’t tell you the difference between a gillet and a body warmer, and do you know why? Because I couldn’t give two dimpled shits about fashion. And, frankly, neither should any self-respecting bloke.

Try something for me. In the next day or so pop into town and find the nearest college or university. Any one will do. Now, take a long look at the dress sense and hairstyles of the lads. What do you notice?

That’s right! They’re almost all sporting women’s haircuts. Blow dried, feathered, highlighted, swept across the face, women’s haircuts. Usually the look is finished off with jeans that no man could stay reasonably fertile in, those cock suckingly awful deck shoe things with cork matting soles, and those goddamn t-shirts with neck holes so wide they look like they had a sleepover in them.

When did this happen? When? Someone please tell me, when the fuck did men stop being men?

Fashion for men should be simple; jeans, t-shirt, a couple of things that you can wear out and about to parties, and a tuxedo for playing Bond. That’s it. That is all we should require. No worrying about what shoes to wear, whether our hair looks good, or what will go with the style of jeans we’re wearing.

And hairstyles for men should be even easier. To know if you’re getting a man’s haircut should be a simple matter of following these simple steps:

Step 1: Can the style I want be achieved using only scissors and/or hairclippers? (comb optional)

Step 2: Can it be styled using that 5 gallon tub of gel I bought for £1?

That’s it. Easy. No hair dryers, straighteners, curlers, tweezing, teasing or back combing. Scissors, clippers, gel.

You might think I’m being a bit hypocritical as I used to have long hair (though you probably didn’t know that so I shouldn’t have worried about it really) but do you know how I got that long hair? By fucking growing it. I didn’t visit a barbers (and I’d like you to note the word ‘barber’ there, because that is the sole place men should get haircuts. Salons are for women and Gok Wan) for 6 years. Et voila.

For the worst example of this kind of shitey, girly hair style craze take a gander at Al Murray’s new show Compete for the Meat, Season 1, Episode 5. There’s a lad on there who is the epitomy of what I’m talking about. You’ll know which one I mean because he can’t leave his fucking hair alone. He even has a signature ‘sweep the hair off my forehead and down the side of my face’ move. He’s also a total moron, but we won’t hold that against him.

OK, I’ll stop now.

Keep watching the news though. If I see too many more of these studenty, feathered hair dos I think I might snap. You’ll know it’s happened when you read ‘Crazed Man Attacks Students with Hairclippers’.

It’s only a matter of time.