Alyson Hannigan naked, save for a jar of chocolate spread and a spatula?

Every politician in the world getting set upon by rabid chipmunks, whilst scrabbling to escape from a deep, man-made ravine rapidly filling with ketchup?

Alyson Hannigan naked, save for a knowing smile and a jar of swarfega?

These are what I consider to be among the best and most heart-stoppingly fantastic images known to modern man (or old-fashioned man come to that).

I’m telling you this for two specific reasons:

1. I enjoy thinking up scenarios involving myself, Alyson Hannigan and an array of food items and kitchen utensils;

2. Many of the images my eyes are assailed by each and every day just get on my nipples.

Take signs for instance;

Simple everyday signs. Many of them are useful, some direct you to places such as City Centre or Tesco’s, others issue stern warnings about what lies ahead: Caution: Flood!, Warning: Scunthorpe! Some, however, are just so inane that it takes all my self-control not to tear them from the ground and throw them in the nearest canal (or, more realistically as I’m neither the Hulk nor Arnie, kicking them in frustration and breaking my toe).

My office has a brilliant example.

See, by the front door of my office is a sign that proudly states:

‘Fire audibility test – An audibility test will be carried out on the first Wednesday of every month’

Ooookkaay. So, what, the offices are going to be set alight and we all have to try and hear it? Or maybe a small fire will be lit and, using only our sense of hearing, we have to locate it. (While some of you may be saying to yourselves that you don’t understand why I have a problem with it and that I should just get over it already, might I quickly point out that if you are thinking this you obviously have failed to grasp the extent of my mental dysfunction).

And that is simply the tip of the moron-encrusted iceberg, for there are many, many examples of this kind of stupidity.

‘Overflow Car-park’ is another one that digs into the ‘goddamit centre’ of my brain.

If you own a building that you expect to get a lot of visitors (maybe it’s a school, or a gallery for displaying pieces of art painted by elephants using only their faeces and rainwater) then it’s widely accepted in modern society that it should have a car-park (at least it’s widely accepted everywhere else in modern society. Where I live the school of thinking tends to be ‘if we don’t put a car park in people will walk’, and it infuriates me that the people in charge of this sort of decision making invariably drive huge, leather-filled vehicles and have their own parking space outside the building that they’ve decided doesn’t need a car park. We’ll come back to this later).

So, you’ve built your car-park, but worry that more cars may need to be parked than there are spaces available. Not to worry, you’ll build a second (usually bigger) car-park, around the corner from the first one and call it the ‘Overflow Car-park’. You then erect a sign displaying this fact.

Why? Why not just build a bigger car-park? Or, better yet, simply take the sign down and let people work out for themselves that the huge area next to the car park with lots of empty car-parking spaces in it is actually part of the car-park (wow, that isn’t an easy sentence to read). There is no need for a sign that says ‘Overflow Car-park’. A sign that says ‘More Spaces’ with a helpful arrow pointing in the right direction is more than enough.

It’s not an ‘Overflow Car-park’, it’s just more of the car-park. ‘Overflow’ suggests that if too many cars park in the same place then, by some force of nature, the extra cars will be washed into the adjoining area.

And what about ‘Polite Notice’? What is the fecking point of putting ‘Polite Notice’ at the top of a sign, when all that actually suggests is that the content of the sign is going to exactly the opposite and anything but polite. ‘Polite Notice: Trespassers will be brutally murdered’. If a sign was actually being polite it would actually say something like ‘Polite Notice: Actually, if you would mind awfully not straying onto my property, only I’ve got a new shotgun and it would be bally unfortunate if I had to use it, so if you could be a good chap and stay on the path it would perfectly decent of you’.

But, do you know the sign that inflames my irritation zones the most?

Push/Pull signs on doors that swing in both directions.

I don’t understand the mentality of having to put a sign on a door telling people which direction to exert force anyway, because no-one, myself included, ever takes notice of the instruction until after they tried the wrong one, so they’ve negated the entire point of the notice and done exactly what they would have in the first place (because, given the choice of 2 directions you invariably pick the wrong one first), had the sign not been there.

But having a sign that says ‘Push’ on a door that swings inwards as well as out goes that one step further than taking the piss; it actually removes the piss altogether and replaces it with something even more irritating, the likes of which have yet to be concocted by science. The ‘Push’ sign is no longer a helpful instruction to help you get out of the door in one attempt, but more of a ‘paint-by-numbers direction to morons who stand at the entrance and don’t know how to proceed past the metal barrier in front of them.

OK, I have to go now. I know it stopped abruptly, but I think I just twisted my spleen.

Tata