Only a short one this week. I have decorating preparation to do. I know that sounds awfully organised of me, but in reality it’s less decorating and more ‘finishing the little bits of the decorating that I failed to do the first time around…….in the summer…..of 2008’. In my defense, they’re the really fiddly, annoying pieces of crap that no-one really likes doing.

Anyway, enough prattle. On with the show.

Now, I’m a man (it’s true, I checked. Twice.). At the very least, I’m assembled from the vaguely man shaped pieces; pieces that don’t quite fit together well enough to form anything of particular significance, but definitely heading towards the male end of the gender divide. However, there’s one manly pursuit that I’ve never found particularly engaging. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that I really can’t stand it.

It’s football.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’ve bitched about football before, but this week I’m approaching it from a different angle because, ya see, there’s actually one thing I understand even less than football. And that’s football video games.

Correct me if I’m wrong (it happens very rarely, but feel free to mention it), but the game of football is played on a rectangular, turfed pitch roughly 105m long and 68m wide. Yes? And on this pitch, 2 teams of IQ rejects kick a ball about in their PE kits. Yes? And, with the possible exceptions of the various interpretations of the offside rule and the number of hookers hanging off Rooney, the game doesn’t change; kick ball, kick ball, tackle, kick ball, goal. Am I right so far?

If that’s all there is to a football match, then how in the name of God’s Valet (whose name, astoundingly, is Marcus) does EA Sports manage to bring out a new, much sort after football game every year? Are people really dumb enough to think that, this time, it’s going to be different from the last one? And if they are that face-punchingly stupid, what, exactly, do they expect to have changed?

"New: FIFA 2010 World Cup for the PS3 and XBox 360. Now with lava pits and clown shoes. Dare you enter the Goal less Labyrinth!? Free bacon with every purchase."

I know, I know, I’m looking at it all wrong. It’s the excitement of being able to play in the new England away strip (now with 2 stripes!!) and kick people in the face using Rooney’s likeness (does anyone else think he looks like a toddler? Him and Danny Boyle. It’s like they hit 18months old and just stopped aging).

I’m moaning because I was walking through town today and heard 2 grown men (men. One of them even had facial hair. OK, so he had one of those ‘woolly hat with baseball peak’ things on his head, and was wearing sandals with jeans, but he was still over 20) getting excited about having bought the latest FIFA game. And I mean properly excited. Think, girls at a combination shoe shop/Robbie Williams Concert.

I had to hold back from grabbing them by their incredibly fashionable lapels and shouting ‘But, it’s the same game as last time!!’ into their faces.

I just don’t understand.

Anyway, I’m off to look thoughtfully at the paintwork until bedtime.

Tata.