Greetings one and all, and welcome to What’s in my Drawer. I’m Mat, and I’ll be your guide into the dusty, looping coils of the inner workings of my mind; a journey that I’m hoping you’ll find, not only annoying, but offensive to a number of your sensibilities. My plan is to craft something here that you’ll curse yourself for reading (possibly verbally damning me to eternal torment for stealing a few precious minutes from your life), yet will return to read time and time again, just to confirm your initial suspicions that it was a total waste of your time.
But before I begin thrusting my ill-conceived and illogical arguments in your faces and start waggling them around I should probably take a couple of paragraphs to explain just who the hell I am and what the buggering hell this blog’s title means. I wouldn’t want the GeekGasms boys to be inundated by the one email they’ll get from my mum asking what the title means because she can’t remember.
Well, essentially, and quite importantly, I am an angry, angry man. Not just angry, but miserable, curmudgeonly and, quite often, child-like and spiteful. I can be, and usually am, annoyed and incensed by every single little thing that happens in the world and, more often than not, I have an opinion on why it’s shit and how it could be improved.
And when I say every little thing annoys me, I mean every little thing annoys me. I’d elucidate further, but as time goes by you’ll come to see what I mean. If I smash you over the head, bundle you into a sack and drop you down the rabbit hole instead of allowing you to stumble around in the dark until crack your skull open on the wall and come to your own realisations about how petty-minded I can be, well, where’s the fun in that?
And, what’s up with that title?
Well, basically, way back in the year 2000 when most people were wasting their lunch breaks hanging around fountains, glancing at their watches and wondering where in the hell their old friends had got to, I was hard at work in the offices of railway company. Well, I sat at a desk and played Solitaire in the offices of a railway company at any rate.
The job was so mind-fryingly dull that I started a newsletter titled What’s in my Drawer to demonstrate to the world (well, that small part of it I had email addresses for) that describing the contents of my desk drawer was infinitely more interesting than the job I was supposed to be doing.
The newsletter got longer and longer, my ramblings became increasingly vehement, and the contents of the drawer became less and less important until What’s in my Drawer became more of a metaphor for my growing mental instability than an actual description of desk contents.
I’ve been writing What’s in my Drawer for around 10 years now, in various guises and on almost every subject matter known to modern man. For 3 years I was a columnist for an online pagan newspaper, The Pagan Activist, the editors of which (who I would like to thank, hugely, for allowing me to write crap for them for 3 years) wanted an amusing non-pagan column for their ‘Funnies’ section. What they got was What’s in my Drawer, the bitter rantings of a man with little imagination and an overactive ‘fuck you’ gland. (if you like the sound of previous incarnations of What’s in my Drawer and would like to find out more, then your shit out of luck. Any part of the internet that had the misfortune to host What’s in my Drawer has since been closed down, blockaded and had detour signs erected pointing people toward EBay and Amazon).
And now I’m here, ready to foist my specious reasoning and baseless arguments on you lucky people.
Isn’t that nice?
Now, this is only a short entry so that I could introduce myself, put my initials on everyone else’s food in the office fridge and ensure that my Buddy Christ had a space on the windowsill, but never fear, I will return shortly with my first proper, really, real entry titled “Please, for the love of God, could someone stop me watching Flashforward!?”.
Right, it was lovely to meet you all, but I have to go. The office spider plant is looking far too healthy. I think it needs introducing to Red Mountain.