I hate flat packed furniture.

The screw guide holes are always that little bit too far to the left, you need a Phd in angles to get the doors to hang straight, the instructions always read like they were translated from Japanese into Hebrew through Flemish before eventually being hastily copied down in English by some hamfisted warehouse jocky called Steve, and fuck me if there isn’t always one piece either missing or that tiny little bit mis-shaped so that it doesn’t work quite as it’s supposed to.

As you can probably guess, I’m currently assembling furniture. Obviously not at this precise minute. I’m clever, but screwing together a wardrobe whilst typing is a tad beyond even my supernatural abilities.

A single, wood framed bed, a leather effect kingsize ottoman sleigh bed and a large chest of drawers done, finished and usable (to a degree. The large bottom drawer of the chest of drawers needed abusing so that it slid in and out properly as some twat had seen fit to carve one of the drawer runners at an angle, but a terse discussion with a hammer and chisel made it see sense). 2 wardrobes and a bedside cabinet to go.

Of course, the upside to all of this is that the old furniture has to be persuaded to make room for the new stuff, meaning that I get to go all Jackie Chan and just start kicking the shit out of MDF and fibreboard.

Which is fun for about 5 minutes until you kick out the back of a wardrobe and discover that the fibreboard backing was all that was holding it together.

My son doesn’t yet know about the explosion that occured, when the side of a large wardrobe slipped sideways (after I Bruce Lee’d it) and totally obliterated the Lego model of some kind of submarine he spent an entire day making.

Tiny little plastic pieces everywhere. It was fucking carnage, no survivors.

I’m really only telling you this because it’s why I didn’t have an entry last week and why this is the only entry this week; by the time I manage to stop building furniture and have taken a break from moving crap from bedroom to bedroom, I’m just too knackered.

I will be back soon.

Right, must press on.