Could someone please explain to me how McAfee are still in business when their products are turbo-powered cock.

I mean, seriously, when your flagship programe can identify a problem (like, say, by noticing that your memory buffers are being clogged up with shit), but can’t find the source during a deep scan, then what fucking use is it? It’s like a police officer wandering into a newly burgled house, spotting the emptied out drawers and tossed over sofas and casually asking the homeowner if they realise they’ve been burgled, whilst failing to notice the stripey shirt and eyemask wearing motherfucker in the corner carry a dvd player under one arm and a white bag marked ‘Swag’ over his shoulder.

Think about it. If you’d released a product that was popular but so obviously inferior to almost every other product on the market that it could carry the slogan ‘Instead of buying this, why not just take a shit in your DVD drive’ on the packaging and no-one would be surprised, wouldn’t you do something about it? Wouldn’t you take apart a rivals’ product and scrutinise every last inch of it to find out why and how it roundhouse kicks yours into a cocked hat every single time, then just make your product better?

I know, I know, I countered my own argument when I used the word ‘popular’, which is why Mcafee survives, but surely they know that the world at large would rather suck off a wet monkey than be seen using one of their products, don’t they? Yes major corporations and public organisations use their stuff because they just don’t know any better and work by the mantra ‘If it costs a lot, it’s the best’, but are there honestly enough other dumb bastards in the world to keep these pieces of shit afloat?

Sorry, I’m being unnecessarily harsh, but I’ve spent the day up to my armpits in a 5 year old laptop packed so full of constantly running security software and encryption protocols, that it’s almost entirely unusable, that I have to get ready for a new member of staff and had to listen to a 12 year old IT gobshite explain to me why Mcafee was an important component of PC security. You know, despite it being as useful against viruses as I would be at defending myself against a 300 nundred strong horde of pissed up Glaswegians armed with nothing but swear words and a wagging finger.

But the Directors want the best and, all together now, ‘If it costs a lot, it’s the best’, so that’s what we get. (actually, they have another saying; ‘If it’s free’ it’s probably riddled with cancerous, profit eating viruses’, but they don’t use it very often).

Is it just me? Is Mcafee as fuck awful a programme as I know it to be, or am I missing something vital? Is there a button I missed, possibly labelled ‘Click here to stop this product sucking like a gangrenous chest wound’, or a setting that i should have moved from ‘Shit’ to ‘Not shit’?

Seriously…is it just me?