OK, so this is only a short entry. I have places to go and people to see. I have a life you know.

….OK, so I have an elevator to build on LittlebigPlanet, but it’s really frickin’ hard (I mean, I have the box done, and the sliding doors, but the electrics are just impossible. I’ve tried….sorry).

Anyway, back to my whinge of the week.

This week, I are been mostly angry about everything. Seriously, everything little thing has just driven me to the edge of sanity then leapt out the drivers door at the last minute. TV, games, films, people, food, they all have the same score on my ‘WOULDYOUFUCKOFF-ometer!!

However, one thing has managed to drill it’s way deeper into my brain than all the others, and has done so using, what feels like, a rusty, broken, shit caked drillbit (I know, uncomfortable image).

‘What is it?’, I hear you cry (or, yell (There’s no need to be rude)).


Not my shoes; the issues I have with my shoes, and men’s shoes in general, are well recorded and often lamented (and regularly complained about. Seriously, someone told me to sod off the other day just because I called him a great big fairy for not wanting to wear his trainers because they were dirty. I mean, that’s just rude. OK, so he was 12, but there really was no need for the attitude), but women’s shoes.

See, I have this thing for women’s shoes. Actually, scrap that, ‘thing’ makes me sound like I sit under motorway bridges sniffing high heels. Let’s call it an appreciation. I appreciate women’s shoes. (Oh, yeah. That’s sounds so much less creepy).

Anyway, hints of fetishes aside, what the fuck is going on with these half army boot, half sandal things? You must have seen them. They have a boot like bit around the ankle, and the rest of it is all open and strappy. It’s like someone watched a Charlie Chaplin film and thought ‘Hey, stick a couple of buckles and a strap or 2 on those babies and we may have something.’ I mean, I thought clear perspex platforms were the height of ugly tackiness, but these booty-sandally-shoe thingies are just fuck awful.

And, they’re everywhere. Every-fucking-where I turn there’s another take on the ‘Look at me, I’m a homeless person’ look. When those fucking Ugg Boot thingies were in, I thought my threshold for irritating footwear had been breached. I was this close (you couldn’t see, but I held my finger and thumb, really close together) to just losing it completely when, for the umpteenth time, a girl walked passed me and had the sole of her boot sticking out to the left because she was walking on the side. How fucking hard is it to put on a pair of boots, for god’s sake!!??

But these…hold on…boot sandals (I googled) are driving me insane. I know other people’s clothes are not my concern, and I know that I should just let people wear what they want without feeling the need to punch them in the face for their horrible taste, but for fucks sake. They do not look good. Even my wife (and I feel the need to reiterate at this point that I am married, to a woman, just in case anyone was under the impression that I rang the bell on the rainbow train) thinks they are fuck ugly, and she has more shoes than Imelda.

Why are people sucked in by fashions like these? To what level does your IQ have to drop for you to decide ‘You know what? I’m going to wear whatever the magazines tell me from now on. Hey, flashing lights’. Jesus.

People, I’ve said this once before but I feel it needs saying again just in case some of you weren’t listening the first time: Just because something was expensive doesn’t automatically make it look good on you’.

Yes, I have some particularly weird issues. I am aware of them and am seeking help. Next week ‘What the fuck’s up with toast!?’