Well, here we are again. Another week, another few minutes of your life I’m going to steal and add to my own, thus ensuring I live longer than I have any natural right to.
My topic this week is mundane, even encroaching on dull’s territory, but it’s one I’m becoming increasingly confused by as the years race passed me at an ever increasing pace; snow.
See, I was taught at school that we as a species live on The Earth (it’s a kind of blue-green, beach ball shaped planet-thing floating about in the eternal vacuum of space. I know it exists, I’ve seen it on the Discovery Channel). I’ve been led to believe this my entire life, have never questioned it and have, in fact, taught my kids this very same fact. I was also taught that The Earth, and most every landmass upon it, moves through a natural, annual cycle comprised of these things we have come to know and love as seasons. This is also something I have passed onto my children (I don’t have much else for them to inherit except for an astoundingly large collection of adult avi files (that I have absolutely no doubt my still warm corpse will be discovered in front of) and the uncanny ability to make myself sick to get out of school, so actual scientific facts are important).
So why, pray tell, are we always so fucking gobsmacked when Winter roundhouse kicks Autumn out of the way and spits snow in our faces? I know it isn’t technically winter just yet, but what’s a few weeks between friends? I wouldn’t mind so much if it was only the weather reports that got physically excited about piles of frozen water, but every goddamn year the slightest flake of snow becomes the headline of every fucking news show, pushing real news stories down the list.
Reporter: "The headlines tonight: It snowed. Please enjoy a 20 minutes report on how skiddy the roads have become and how many snowmen have been made since 8.30 this morning. Also coming up, a bin liner containing the cubed and boiled remains of at least three separate people have been found in the pantry of an Essex Little Chef, and 15 orphans dead and many more critically injured as a volcano erupts through a Surrey Orphanage. But first, Snow: isn’t it pretty?"
I know it’s the job of the news to inform people of the goings on in the world, but fuck. Give ’em 5 minutes to wipe the sleep out of their eyes and I’m pretty sure they’ll spot the change in weather conditions when they glance out the kitchen window and wonder where the fucking trampolines gone.
And why oh why oh why do we have to be told the last time it was this cold?
‘Coldest November in 20 years!’
Who gives a flying firt (I’m trying to cut down on my swearing. Firt just seemed to give off the right vibes without being out and out foul) the last time it was this cold in November? What possible relevance can that have? And if anyone mentions Global Fucking Warming (I’m petitioning Downing Street to change the name) I’m coming straight round to their house and murdering them to death by killing them. 20 years, who gives a crap? I was thirteen 20 years ago. If there are people who still watch cartoons who can remember the last time it was this cold it isn’t exactly a major occurrence, is it? Tell me it hasn’t been this cold since dirty great woolly elephants were wandering down what was to become the high street, then I might take a bit more notice but 20 years? Piss off.
And why the hell are we never ready for it? Every newspaper headline proclaims that the country is 2 minutes from absolute ruin because of the winter weather, yet we all knew it was coming. It turned up round about the same time last year. Sure it might be a few weeks early this time, but it’s definitely in the same ball park. So why all the fuss?
‘Arctic Weather Brings Country to a Standstill’, ‘Snow and Ice Wreak Havoc’ (if I had to describe the major characteristics of snow and ice, ‘ability to wreak havoc’ wouldn’t be one that sprang instantly to mind. ‘Ability to piss off cyclists and the elderly’? Almost certainly. ‘Aptitude for making even the coolest amongst the population look like twats as they slip a tiny bit and react as though they came within millimetres of falling into a yawning chasm’? Without Doubt. But Ability to Wreak Havoc’? Nah. Shoot a patch of ice with a few gamma rays and get it to attack Tokyo, then we’ll talk).
It’s only a bit of fucking snow people, would you calm down already. This is Britain, the snow’ll be gone way before Christmas.
Anyway, that’s me done. I’m away to build a snowman outside my neighbours front door and put a big snow penis on his car roof.
Yes, I’m 10.