Look, I’m not a grammar Nazi or anything, but when are we going to stop allowing any illiterate twat that can string a couple of words together near a microphone?

Why am I so vitriolic this week? I’ll explain, though I should point out that it isn’t a long story. In fact, it isn’t a short story, but more of a micro tale.

Basically, I was sitting in the car the other day listening to Radio 1, when some random piece of hip-hop crap comes on. And as I sit there, my ears straining to keep the blood from just squirting out and painting the windows, the ‘artist’ (and that word did not type out easily) manages to rhyme the words ‘Feather’, ‘Ever’, and ‘Weather’ in a single verse.

Yes, I am aware that the words ‘Weather’ and ‘Feather’ rhyme anyway, but stick ‘Ever’ in the middle and you can see where this pronunciation train is headed.

For fuck’s sake: Fevva, Evva and Wevva? What is he, 4?

I’m not saying that every single person who appears on the radio or who is given a recording contract needs to speak the Queens english or sound like a BBC presenter from 1952, but somewhere along the line someone needs to step back and go: "OK, the kids may like him, but what the fuck is up with his pronunciation? Seriously he sounds like a retard".

And it happens all the friggin’ time in music: Bruvva, Muvva, One-Two-Free, I saw you over Vere, Frew der lookin’ glass, Den I saw vem, etc. It’s like someone in the music industry went "Wow, that’s exactly how the kids speak nowadays. He’s, like, saying the words they’re thinking. Sign him up and I can buy myself that bolly fuelled yacht I always wanted".

And it isn’t just isloated to the recording industry. It’s all over fucking TV too.

Why? What’s the point of spelling if we allow any crappy wanker into the media family who couldn’t pronounce the sentence ‘The brother in the third room is a thespian’ if his life depended on it?

I’m depressing myself, I’m off.