Sorry I’ve not been around for a few weeks (I know how you all weep and find life that little bit harder when I’m not ranting about pointless bollocks), but I hooked up with this weird bunch of guys and we’ve spent the last fortnight or so driving around America in their kick-ass van solving crimes. It was a hell of a lot of fun; bad guys in rubber masks, huge talking dogs, sexy nerds, I was having a blast…right up to the point I was hit on by the head crime fighter. And believe you me, blokes in neckerchiefs do not take no for an answer.
So I came back to good ol’ England and decided that I could better serve the world by injecting a little more of my inane, shit filled yammering into it.
And what, you ask, will I be lambasting with my bile coated skewers of righteous, drivolity? (that’s my word. Leave it alone).
Well, this week it’s co-op gaming.
Yes, I’m well aware that the beginning of this entry bears no relation to the topic, but I’m not in the mood to invent some hilarious yet ingenious segue. Just deal with and let me get on.
See, I enjoy multi-player gaming….actually, let me rephrase that: I enjoy two-player gaming. Give me a splitscreen and a gaming partner who doesn’t understand the rules or controls of the game we’re playing and I’m happy.
Old school splitscreen games gave both players the freedom to play their own game. Whether it was racing or hunting each other down with infra-red sniper rifles, the division in the centre of the screen gave you both the freedom to explore the environment in whichever way you decided was best. Sure, you knew your opponent was hiding in the bell-tower, as they frantically try to workout the correct combination of buttons to press to reload their AK-47, but you didn’t care. You were too busy trying to figure out how to get to that platform over there. They wouldn’t have put it there if you weren’t able to reach it, would they?
But I just don’t understand co-op gaming. As far as I can see (and as far as I have experienced) sharing a game screen with another player is a lot like having your genitals hammered against a hedgehog, i.e. it sucks.
First of all: where’s the fun to be had by being forced off of ledges or into traps when you ‘partner’ decides that they don’t want to investigate the curiously shaped outcropping of rock and just want to get to the end of the level?
Me: Hey, look, that rock there looks breakable. I’m betting that the last hidden star for this level is underneath it.
Steve: Who cares, let’s get to the end. We’ll get the time bonus.
Me: No, seriously, let’s stick a bomb next to this rock. If we find the last star we get the Ultrasuit.
Steve: Who cares. Getting the time bonus will win us another life and 50,000 points.
Me: But we can just replay this level and get the time bonus then. Steve, stop moving. Steve, seriously, stop moving.I’m on my last life and if I fall off this cliff I’ll have to……….oh, fuck you Steve.
Secondly: has anyone, ever, played a co-op game and actually co-operated? (And the multi-player section of Portal 2 doesn’t count, because co-operation is an actual requirement). No, you haven’t, have you? Because people aren’t interested in co-operating. All people want to see is how quickly they can kill their ‘partner/s’. Sure you ‘do your bit’ when it’s required to advance; you’ll stand on the required button or pull the requisite lever, but most of the time you collect as many coins/stars/thingies as you can to beat your ‘partner’.
And online fucking co-op is less fun than slamming my penis in a car door.
Littlebigplanet. Fantastic game, surpassed only by it’s successor (the aptly named Littlebigplanet 2), with an engorgingly good level designer on both and a cracking single player story.
But try the multiplayer co-op shit and it’s as though you’re playing alongside victims of a serial lobotomist.
Me: OK, I’m standing on the first button. All I need now is for the others to take their places and we can get the hidden prize bubbles.
Player 2: *wanders aimlessly around, grabbing at the scenery like an half-blind kleptomaniac whilst wearing a pink tu-tu, bunny ears and a fish tail*.
Me: Come on bastards! Just stand on the buttons, the timer’s running out!
Player 3: *repeatedly jumps on the spot, then runs full speed in entirely the wrong direction, whereupon he stops and starts making his sackboy pull faces and stick his arms up in the air. His attire? A cardboard lionhead and fishing waders*
Me: For fucks sake!! The buttons are right there!! Just stand on them so we can get our secret stickers!!!
Player 4: *sends me a message that simply says "Luv ths game. Were U from?"*
Me: *Have fucked the game off and am now playing through Portal 2 again.*
Oh, and you know how there was no segue at the beginning to get from the weird ass intro to the topic in hand? Yeah, well there isn’t an actual end to this entry, I’m just going to end it mid sentence.
Seriously, I’m tired and I need sleep. I just can’t be bothe……