If you haven’t yet seen the finale of Lost, don’t read this.

If you have seen the finale of Lost, don’t read this. It’ll just remind you of the horror.

——————————————————————————————————————-

Ever since the Farscape debacle, TV and I have a precarious relationship.

Ever since I discovered that Farscape had been cancelled I’ve been wary of becoming too attached to TV shows.

I remember thinking to myself, as I watched Aeryn accept Crichton’s patently human marriage proposal, dabbing at my tear filled eyes with a tissue, that, as far as last episodes of prematurely cancelled TV shows went, this was a perfect end.

I also remember looking on in buttock clenching horror as some rat bastard alien, froze them in place, mid-kiss, with some freezing ray or other; a horror that was compounded by the two of them then disintegrating before my eyes and the words ‘To Be Continued’ appearing on screen.

That was the first time I remember shouting at my TV in anger.

Since then I’d like to say that my relationship with TV has improved. That I’ve learned to live with televisual disappointment. But I can’t.

Angel was cancelled after season 5, ending with the 4 remaining good guys about to do battle with a rampaging horde of demons, monsters and a fucking dragon. Do they win? Fuck knows. Apparently, no-one was interested in a show about vampires anymore. You know, except that since it was cancelled every new goddamn show created was about vampires: True Blood, Midnight, Blood Ties, Blade, The Vampire Diaries, and let’s not forget the perpetual dry humping, fuck awful movie Twilight (am I allowed to say ‘fuck Edward Cullen’ here? I’ll find out).

The monumentally awesome Middleman was cancelled after one season, with the season finale left unfilmed (wankers!!).

And Dollhouse, which not only starred the ever lovely Duck Shoot, who was dressed in one lovely outfit after another (one of them is all leather and comes complete with a whip!! Thank you Wardrobe Department), but also had Alan Tudyk co-starring in several episodes as a mentally deranged villain with multiple personalities. I mean, that’s a gold-plated round of fucks right there.

But as my favourite shows keep getting axed, it was always good to know that the best one of all was in no danger of getting the chop. It was so good that it chewed up any and all potential opposition and shit their partially digested remains all over the Nielsen system.

That show was Lost.

At every turn in every episode another question was asked that mutated the show from one full of mystery to one wrapped in intrigue, dipped in suspense and deep fried in What the Fuck! The creators and producers may say that Lost was all about the characters but, frankly, they had their heads up their collective, arrogant arseholes, because the show was all about the mysteries.

What was the island? Who were DHARMA? What are the whispers? What was the Swan hatch all about? Why push the button? What is the Black Rock? And a myriad other questions were asked every week by this awesome, awesome piece of television and any potential answer simply asked a fuck tonne more questions:

What is the Black Rock? Oh, it’s a slave ship sitting about 2 miles into the jungle. Huh?

Why push the button? Because if you don’t a potentially fatal build up of electromagnetic energy will be released, with possibly catastrophic results….maybe, we’re not entirely sure. What!?

And, now that it’s all ended, now that the final 2.5 hours of the greatest TV show ever have been broadcast, were the previous 5yrs of viewing, that had to contend with writers strikes, cast disagreements and speeding convictions, worth it? Were we given an ending that answered as many of the remaining questions as possible? Were we rewarded for our unflinching, half decade of loyalty and devotion with a final episode to blow our minds out of our collective skulls?

Were we bollocks.

Not only did season 6 of Lost crap all over the memory of the previous 5 seasons, but the final episode was 2.5 hours of over blown, self-serving, arrogance that went down as well as curried shit and a beer bottle full of piss.

And what did it all amount to? What did 5 years of twisty, spiralling mystery, intrigue and drama add up to?

2 ancient brothers and a shitty little cave with a light in it.

Seriously, that was it. A cave that we had no idea about until the last few episodes of season 6. A light that wasn’t explained, but was apparently very powerful (somehow), and 2 brothers who I, frankly, couldn’t give less of a shit about. Oh, and the lesson that ‘everybody dies’.

5 years.

5.

5 whole years of excitement, of questioning, of internet discussions and theories about what it could all mean, rendered absolutely null, void and utterly, fucking pointless because of a light in a fucking cave!!!

But were we given any answers at all?

Oh sure. Here are some of the highlights:

Q1. Who were the mysterious DHARMA Initiative, portrayed on-screen and in on-line viral games, as shadowy figures with dubious morals?

A1. Just a bunch of hippy scientists who landed on the island and conducted experiments. They were, for the most part, dull, boring people. Not a single thing weird or mysterious about them.

Q2. What was the island?

A2. Fuck knows.

Q3. What was the weird energy?

A3. It was weird energy springing forth from an underground pond with a stone plug in the middle (seriously). Why it was or what it was is anyone’s guess.

Q4. What were the whispers, heard through the entire run of the show?

A4. The whispers of dead people who couldn’t leave the island because they did bad things, apparently. How that tallies with the nice dead people that appeared (those not portrayed by the smoke monster) is, apparently, not important.

Q5. Are the whispers important?

A5. No. In fact, as one of the most captivating mysteries of the entire show, the whispers couldn’t have been rendered any less important if we’d discovered that, when it all came down to it, they weren’t whispers after all and just some random microphone distortion that wouldn’t go away.

I can’t type any more, I’m just too damn depressed. I wonder if I can sue the producers for wasting my time.

Fuck you Lindelof and Cuse. Fuck you and your self-serving ‘It’s our show and we’ll do what we want’ attitude a lot, you fucking pointless cretins.