When I was 15 yrs old, I came up with an idea for a story. It was brilliant. It was funny, interesting, and it hadn’t been done before (I don’t think). I started writing almost as soon as the idea struck.

3 years later, I had another incredible story idea. This one hit me as I showered (don’t picture it, it really isn’t pretty. Imagine a wet, slightly flabby wookie and you’ve passed the pretty bit) and again, just like last time, I started writing as soon as I possibly could.

By the time I was 25 I had so many ideas for films (including a trilogy that would make me willions), books, and short stories that I couldn’t keep up with them all.

So why, you ask, am I complaining? Surely I should be happy that my head is brimming with so many plotlines, characters and hidden twists that I’m horrified to think about how many I’ve forgotten.

And I am.

I just haven’t been able to do anything with them.

Seriously. That first story I mentioned, the one when I was 15, well I wrote one chapter before convincing myself that it wasn’t a good idea. I still have that chapter and it still makes me laugh (I’ve not yet worked out if laughing at your own stuff is arrogant or not, so I try really hard not to think about it), but I can’t finish it (or start it, in fact).

The next story idea? Same thing. One chapter in, the writing isn’t as good as I wanted it to be so I gave up.

It’s an illness.

In my head the characters are magnificent, the plot twists twist so far back on themselves that you wind up with a Philip K Dickian head fuck that doesn’t know whether it’s good or just plain odd.

Yet, as soon as I start putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, but get my point) the words go away. I instantly become critical of absolutely everything I write and can’t go more than 4 lines before going back and changing, editing or amending until I just give up and move onto something else. It’s like writers block, only I haven’t actualy written anything yet.

It’s driving me insane.

I’ve tried carrying a pad and pen around with me so that I can write wherever I am. I’ve tried carrying a laptop around. I’ve tried lugging a dictaphone around so that I can dictate my ideas rather than writing them. I’ve even tried typing them out on my phone when I have a few minutes (though I can’t find a word processing programme for an LG Arena. If anyone knows of one drop me a line).

Nothing works.

I have to go, but I’m coming back to this because it’s driving me mental and if I don’t write something soon (this doesn’t count) I think I’m just going to explode.